I guess dependency upon something isn't bad; or is it? I know I would live ... it certainly wouldn't kill me if I didn't have access to the world wide web but just knowing it's there makes me want to have it.
What the heck am I getting at here? Talking about a dependency to the internet? What's up Mel??? Spill your guts ... okay...
Time for a true confession ~
I have a dependency on a horrible menace and I have been battling it for over 30 years going on what feels 300 years.
The blasted cigarettes!!!
How many times am I going to quit and really stay a quitter????? Some days it really drives me insane!!
Two years ago...
Dear Hubby, Slim was smoking 2 packs of cigs a day and I was smoking a pack ... sometimes a pack and a half a day.
We both took the prescription drug Chantix ... and it worked.... for Slim anyways. He hasn't had a smoke in over 2 years. Myself on the other hand, sometimes I get such a craving it drives me goofy... yes... goofier than I normally am.
I had a sit down chat on several occasions about this with my doctor about how bad these cravings of mine were. Then he made the fatal mistake of showing me some of my medical records ... one of them being some xrays of my lungs. He said that if he didn't know that I had smoked that long ... he never would have guessed it... because my lungs show absolutely no evidence of me ever having a smoking history.
I know ... that doesn't give me the go ahead on smoking; but somehow in the back of my brain it just makes it that much harder to resist.
My doc then put me on the prescription drug Buproprion. This is an antidepressant drug. I had a lot of stuff going on in my life at the time and it did seem to help. It helped with my unbearable cravings and my feeling of such doom after all the trouble I was going through with my heart. Yep... my heart... I know... and you still want to go and put a cigarette in your mouth and light up with a bum ticker. What the hell is the matter with me?? I know ALL the do's and don'ts of what I should and shouldn't be doing.... but some days I really can't stand this!!!!!
After a year or so on the Buproprion I started having some bad side effects from it ~ and I'm still wanting to have a smoke on occasion. My doc then told me that I was better off having the cigarette when I really craved it ~ then taking the pills.... so that's what I did. I'd slip away and smoke behind every ones back.
I'm no way smoking like I used to though. Now a pack of cigs would last me over a week ... instead of a day. Sometimes... a pack of cigs will even get me through 2 weeks ... and I keep on trying to quit. I even go sometimes now up to 2 months ~ but damn, damn damn... what is the matter with me ... I just can't seem to quit them 100%.
I have such a dependency on them and it just gnaws at me that I give in to the cravings when I do. I'm just like a bad alcoholic. I take a drag on a cigarette and it just makes my whole demeanor change. It relaxes me and makes me feel like I can cope better with things going on around me. I KNOW... this is a cop out... but it's my cop out ... and it's really how I feel.
It's embarassing... it's such a feeling of shame... I let everyone around me down... but worse thing about it is how I let myself down.
Well...
This afternoon, after lunch ~ Slim went to lay down for awhile to catch a few zzz's before he has to go to work tonight on the graveyard shift at the paper mill. I went in on the bed and snuggled up with him for a few minutes and he just casually says, "your hair smells like smoke."
Dang... right away... I get on the defensive ~
"Well I did just come in from checking the woodstove. You know ... any time you walk out in that bait shop it smells like smoke in there... and I was out there too, just a few minutes ago. The kids are out there all the time and Sam and Sara both smoke and half of their friends that are always over here smoke in there too."
He just gives me the "well okay... you don't have to get all defensive on me about it ... I just mentioned that your hair smelled like smoke."
Then I did it ... after two years of sneaking around like a school girl behind his back ... I came clean with my confession about having a cigarette now and then.
OMG ... now I really feel like crap.
I know he's going to be a pain about this ~ and he's going to be harping on me about it.
I know he's right . . . but I hate how it's so easy for some people to quit and others have such a hard time; but I hated lying about this to him all this time.
Right away... he tells me,"You're quitting! You think I didn't have cravings when I was quitting; you'll get over it. You're quitting!"
Dang... as if I haven't tried.
I wish I would have just kept my big mouth shut.
Oh gosh ... I'm in a pickle now.
The cat is out of the bag.
Sorry to have dragged you into the drama of my life; but that's what you get for being so dependent on blogging. Ha!
Until next time....
So it goes in my neck of the woods.
~mel
YOU'RE QUITTING....Sorry, Sis, but I agree with Slim...please...maybe now that you fessed up, it will be easier to quit...ya need a shoulder, a piece of gum, a pencil to chew on, I have lots...Please get serious about this...you are doing sooo good with your being off your meds so don't take a step backwards....we love you'...the verification word is 'hero'...be your own hero girl....I know you can do it
ReplyDeleteI don't think most folks realize how addictive cigarettes can be. I'm like you and still smoke now and then. Keep trying, and so will I, and maybe one of these days we can say we 'used to' smoke.
ReplyDeleteWhat a absolutely positively insanely honest post! LOVE IT! The honesty is GREAT! Amazing!
ReplyDeleteI too am a smoker, have been forever & a day . . . even thou I know I should quit, I don't want to quit which is the issue on me quitting . . .
I have to say I was in great admiration of the length of time you can keep from the cigs . . . I think that says A LOT!
Now I am not doctor that is for sure . . . more so as crazy as I am I am in NO position to really make comments but I am curious . . . you can go a long time without smoking right? then something triggers the urge for it so bad you give in? have you done a calendar or a journal telling of these times? Just thinking if you narrow down the "reason" maybe you can help overcome the "urge" . . . does that make any sense?
Another thought . . . guilt . . . this will sound silly I know but my thought is sometimes guilt makes us do something more . . . knowing we are not suppose to be doing something makes it that more . . . . tempting . . . makes the urge grander . . .
I hope you keep writing about this struggle . . . I think that may halp you a lot, & I really think it can be a great help to others as well . . .
WE are ALL here for YOU Mel *huge squishy cyber bear hugs* . . . no judging, just some serious heart warming extreme support!
~ May you ALWAYS be Blessed & may you ALWAYS Bless others ~
Hey Melody, sadly I 'leapt' off-the-wagon at around 41 days of being smoke-free and so did Guy. :(
ReplyDeleteI feel your frustrating struggle, my friend.
I'm sending out positive supportive thoughts that you'll be a complete success. (((hugs)))
Wishing you a successful smoke-free week!
(((hugs)))
The reason that it is so difficult to quit smoking is because Nicotine is very addictive, more addictive than heroin. I quite some 20 years ago and had terrible withdrawals. I would get this wave of desire wash over me and I would shake. I can remember just having to wait until it passed before I could move. My husband Floyd quit with no withdrawals whatsoever, so we are all different. I qut cold turkey and for me anyway it was so tough. Cigarettes have become so expensive that I am grateful that if did quit.
ReplyDeletePlease excuse the typos. My keyboard is sticking, yuk!!!
ReplyDeleteHey Mel - I am so thankful I never started because I would be the world's worst at quitting. I think the only thing Clinton & I have in common is not inhaling! Smoking IS calming just like eating is. Take a day at a time and celebrate the little victories. When I starting working out (after some health scares)I would only allow myself 5 min. on the treadmill. Then 10 etc. etc. I also celebrated the fact that I made it 5 minutes. Maybe a set time when you WILL set down and smoke but only then. Maybe moving the ashtray to an unusual area. I do agree with you on the internet - I would give up my TV long before I would give up my computer. Of course, Pat would go with the TV so I would have to think that one thru! Hang in there - we'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time dear sis...funny, but the verification word today, of all things, is healla, opperative, heal....
ReplyDeleteHave a successful day my sweet sister. Loveya
RE: Dar
ReplyDeletehealla, operative, hellyeah
You've thrown yourself out in the road on this one ~ and look at all the support you have!! YEAH..
ReplyDeleteMel, you have overcome taking 21 pills a day ~ that in its self is amazing and I give you high fives! Now quit beating yourself up over the smoking. In time you'll beat that too!! ~ I'm still overwhelmed and so proud of you for taking control of your life and getting off the meds. "Love You So Muchie"